Borderline Personality Disorder – Stealing my identity

I’m rattling on about my borderline personality disorder quite a bit lately. Sorry for that. But it’s hard, really hard, to not know who on Earth you are.

I’m feeling pretty lost in myself lately. I feel confused. I feel like there are huge bits of me missing but I don’t even know what is missing to begin looking.

I have been so many things already, I have many personae but I have no idea which is the real me. I think sometimes that maybe they’re all me, but some parts are so at odds with other parts it seems that can’t be the case. I can’t be shy and straight laced as well as kinky and wild. I can’t be a party animal and a social phobic. I can’t dream of finding ‘the one’ while still pondering if I’m poly.

I need to know.

I want to know.

I deserve to know who the hell I am. What I want. Where I’m going in life.

Borderline personality disorder has stolen my identity, if I ever had one. If I didn’t have it, I would know who I was. I would be able to tell you if I was a tomboy or a girly girl, or somewhere in between, I would be able to say that I preferred my hair red, or blonde, or purple, or blue… I should be in a place by now to know what I want from a relationship. But I’m not.

How exactly do you figure this stuff out? How do you find yourself?

I feel like I’m messing people I care about around, confusing them, playing games. I’m not, but I’m sure it comes across that way. I don’t mean to constantly change my mind about things, but I just don’t know what I want. How do you make decisions, any decisions, without a basic sense of self?

4 thoughts on “Borderline Personality Disorder – Stealing my identity

  1. Naughty Vicar says:

    I have no idea about BPL but here is my view.

    Who said you are meant to be one thing or the other? Society for some reason wants to try and push people into boxes. I want tattoos….I don’t want tattoos……I don’t have any yet as still can’t make up my mind…..I’m 35 this has been going on since I was about 16.

    I like blondes, brunettes, red heads….should I have to choose?

    Being yourself can be a mixed up experience. Deciding to be one thing is often a mistake that people make and regret it later in life…..just look at divorce rates.

    I know this is easier said than done but try and embrace the chaos of who you are. Want to be a rock chick on Monday and a librarian on Friday? well why the hell not!

    I could never understand the kids who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up….I didn’t know…..I still don’t know….most people don’t. We just bumble around on this planet doing what we can to get by and be happy.

    Relationships can be the difficult bit, but often due to pressure. The whole ‘looking for marriage’ thing on dating websites is a key indicator for me of high pressure. I think (and this is my view) that a relationship is ultimately a friendship. It may be the first day or the 50th you decide to get physical with that person….it may never happen, but when people go into dating with the ‘looking for someone’ mentality then relationships are under strain from the start as both parties have an expectation.

    Some of the happiest people I have know embrace this open view on themselves. I have met people who will walk out of a job because they want to, with no thought for whats next…..they never have the weight and misery of being stuck in a job on their shoulders…..and I always envy them for that.

    I don’t know you…..only the odd few tweets, but you come across as an intelligent, clever and funny woman and I hope the ;you’ that you’re looking for, doesn’t change you too much, as you seem lovely as you are.

    • Thank you for your comment.
      I think you’re right on many levels, I suppose for me the not knowing is who I am, but accepting that is proving hard for me.
      Dating wise I always feel like I’m wasting both my time and their time if we don’t establish quickly that we’re both looking for a similar thing, so I guess that’s why I feel I need to know what I want in the area.
      Thanks again for stopping by 🙂

      • Naughty Vicar says:

        No worries, try not to stress about dating if you can. Try and find friendships more than anything, as a friend will be a better life partner that someone who just wanted one….you never know you may meet someone who feels the same about the world as you….there are lots of us out there who like to hop between different personas on a daily basis……I sometimes even wear a suit to work!……you’d really have to seem me sat here in my scruffy veg clothes to really appreciate that reference right now, but think of the WOW gaming guy from the South Park WOW episode and you are not far off :p

  2. It’s like you took the words right out of my head.

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