I’m rattling on about my borderline personality disorder quite a bit lately. Sorry for that. But it’s hard, really hard, to not know who on Earth you are.
I’m feeling pretty lost in myself lately. I feel confused. I feel like there are huge bits of me missing but I don’t even know what is missing to begin looking.
I have been so many things already, I have many personae but I have no idea which is the real me. I think sometimes that maybe they’re all me, but some parts are so at odds with other parts it seems that can’t be the case. I can’t be shy and straight laced as well as kinky and wild. I can’t be a party animal and a social phobic. I can’t dream of finding ‘the one’ while still pondering if I’m poly.
I need to know.
I want to know.
I deserve to know who the hell I am. What I want. Where I’m going in life.
Borderline personality disorder has stolen my identity, if I ever had one. If I didn’t have it, I would know who I was. I would be able to tell you if I was a tomboy or a girly girl, or somewhere in between, I would be able to say that I preferred my hair red, or blonde, or purple, or blue… I should be in a place by now to know what I want from a relationship. But I’m not.
How exactly do you figure this stuff out? How do you find yourself?
I feel like I’m messing people I care about around, confusing them, playing games. I’m not, but I’m sure it comes across that way. I don’t mean to constantly change my mind about things, but I just don’t know what I want. How do you make decisions, any decisions, without a basic sense of self?